“Pray for me,” I said. “I lack conviction for our work right now.” And I’m not sure how much longer I can keep doing this, I thought to myself. I was tired. Tired of pep talks. Tired of traumatizing my friends and family with stories from ministry. Tired of the work ahead of me as much as I was tired from the work behind me.
It was just three weeks since I had returned from work after Christmas break, and I already knew the pace I was keeping was unsustainable. Red flags were flying freely, but I couldn’t take the time to look up, catch my breath, and pay them any attention because already January had been C.R.A.Z.Y. I had experienced all of these red flags before, and when I did, I took a vacation, doubled down on my productivity hacks, and powered through until the cycle repeated itself. I had done this since high school, and the cycles repeated every year or two. But now the cycles were coming faster and more intensely, and I needed more than a two-week vacation to recover from them.
What is Conviction?
When I articulated that I “lacked conviction” for the frontline anti-trafficking work I loved, I was trying to articulate all the exhaustion, sadness, and hopelessness I felt alongside a general desire to give up. The dictionary will tell you conviction is a firmly held belief or opinion and the quality of showing that one is firmly convinced or what one believes or says. I had lost both: I wasn’t sure I could keep doing the work God had called me to eight years before, and I definitely was losing the ability to keep up appearances that everything was A-OK.
If my description of “lacking conviction” resonates with you, keep reading. If it stirs up resistance within you, keep reading. Both resonation and resistance are powerful informants regarding what’s happening deep within our souls. If you’re experiencing a loss of conviction – about anything – be curious about it now. Red flags only get bigger; they never get smaller. Pay attention to them even when you feel too tired and busy to give them any attention. It’s difficult to observe any situation clearly when you’re in this state, but you must take a step back, observe what’s going on, and start asking hard questions.
What’s Really Going On?
For me, lacking conviction ended up being an indicator of two things: 1) I was burned out with a dose of compassion fatigue from frontline anti-trafficking work. 2) God was beginning to call me away from this work to something else. But lacking conviction could be a symptom of a number of things, and it’s important to consider what might be going on in your life. This is a starter list of what could be going on:
- A temporary high-stress season
- Job assignment creep
- Burnout
- Compassion fatigue
- Vicarious trauma
- Depression
- A dark night of the soul
- Disconnection from God’s vision for your work
- A shift in God’s calling
Is it just me or does only the last item – a shift in God’s calling – sound remotely positive? None of the others yield any kind of warm fuzzies for me. Even if your loss of conviction is a shift in God’s calling, that’s not going to be easy either. Sorry to be a downer!
Whatever the cause of your lack of conviction – and we’ll get to some diagnostic helps below – I recommend two things:
- Start journaling. Write down your questions, doubts, emotions. Write down what is giving you life and what is draining the life out of you. Song lyrics, quotes, Bible verses, or anything else that resonates with you right now, write those down, too. If your loss of conviction is related to any of the items on the above list, your memory may be shot. You may need this journal later to articulate what you’re experiencing now.
- Find someone to talk to. As a spiritual-director-in-training, I think a spiritual director is your best bet here because they are trained in journeying with others in seasons like this one, especially if this is a dark night of the soul. If a spiritual director is not for you, someone you trust who can listen to you without trying to fix the problem is the next best option.
Other Diagnostic Helps
I love data, and I love any kind of personal assessment that gives me quantifiable data about myself. I found these assessments useful in understanding what I was experiencing and providing language that I could use in conversations with others:
- Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory from the American Institute of Stress
- Burnout, Compassion Fatigue, and Vicarious Trauma Assessment from the Crisis & Trauma Resource Institute
But don’t stop with diagnostics!! Keep going. Keep wrestling with your loss of conviction until you understand it. And I will say it again: You need someone to talk to about what’s going on!
Keep Talking
It took me two more months before I reached a breaking point. In those two months, the intensity of my job continued on its upward trajectory, and I was also prayerfully navigating a decision to pursue seminary and a spiritual formation degree. When I began the application process, I honestly believed that I could take classes part-time and still work a full-time job (which I now understand to be utter nonsense!). As God was calling me toward spiritual formation work, I believe he used the intensity of anti-trafficking work, my burnout, and my compassion fatigue to turn up the heat, so I would go.
(After I gave notice that I would be leaving my job, two of my clients(!) asked if I was in counseling or therapy. Obviously, if one’s own clients recognize that you are not in good shape, that’s a confirmed red flag! Eek!)
In this season of discernment – starting with that loss of conviction prayer in January and ending with my breaking point in March – I sought out conversations with trusted friends, family, and leaders. Some had left ministry for corporate jobs. Some had stayed in pastoral ministry for multiple decades. Some offered wisdom from their work experience. Some just let me vent and cry without offering anything more than their presence. Each conversation was a gift of encouragement. No one was mad that I was considering leaving frontline ministry. In fact, most were excited that God was leading me in a different direction.
Deep down, I knew it was time to leave frontline ministry and pursue seminary. The loss of conviction I felt was an arrow pointing in a direction I wasn’t sure I wanted to follow, but I ultimately said yes to the new path in front of me. Later, after I gave my notice, a coworker told me that when I had made that “I lack conviction” work comment in January, God told her that I would be leaving. She told him, “God, you wouldn’t do that to us.” And then she told me later, “He went and did it anyway.”
You Are Not Alone
I don’t know what you’re going through or what is at the root of the conviction you’ve lost. So let me encourage you with this:
- You’re not alone in ministry. No matter how lonely it may make you feel, you are not alone.
- Pay attention to your lost conviction. Get curious about it. Do not ignore it.
- Don’t let the shame you feel about your lost conviction stop you from talking to someone. I don’t want you to navigate this on your own!
- You are deeply loved, friend. God cares more about this lost conviction than you do, and he has plans to use it. Even if you’re face down in the dirt today, keep your eyes on him.
Questions for Reflection
- Does the phrase “I’ve lost conviction” resonate with you? Or do you feel resistance around it? Either way, ask the Lord why you feel this resonation or resistance.
- Have you lost your conviction about something? Can you be more specific about what you’ve lost conviction for? Make your list as long as necessary.
- Look for when this loss of conviction started. Often when nothing seems wrong, something may be happening. Ask God to bring to mind yellow flags that you missed.
- What came up on those diagnostics? Did the results surprise you?
- Who can you talk to about this loss of conviction and whatever else is going on?